Untitled.

I'd been meaning to update the old blog, seeing as how I went from Active in August to Slacker in September... it wasn't intentional, and it wasn't that I've been super crazy busy lately either. Although I think part of it is the general feeling of unexcitement that has come with being back at home again, and feeling like it's slowly sucking the life out of me.

But it's to the blog I come when I need to get some thoughts out - that's what it's here for, regardless of who ends up reading this.

My grandma died yesterday, of old age. And to be honest, I'm not really sure how I'm processing it. If you don't know, the vast majority of my family is in the Philippines, save for a few first cousins who live abroad, and I've yet to visit my parents' homeland or meet my family. But this was my last living grandparent - my maternal grandmother.

I still remember when my maternal grandfather died. I was a teenager, we were living at the condo in El Cajon, and I remember my mom getting the call at night. I remember going downstairs when my mom had just gotten off the phone and she told us that her dad had died... the impression I get is that they fell under the stereotype wherein daughters are closer with their fathers. I know for her it was hard. She hadn't been home since before I was born and also wasn't able to fly over there to attend the funeral.

As for me, I guess I feel the same way now that I felt back then. I'm sad that I never got to meet them, and I'm sad for my mom's loss. But I have no meaningful memories or interactions with them, and it would feel disingenuous to say I'm going to miss them (because how can I miss what I never experienced)... so in some ways I feel unaffected. Which then makes me feel bad about feeling unaffected.

I'm pretty sure I'm the only grandkid that they've never met. Granted, my mom is one of 14 and my dad is like one of 8, so there are plenty of grandkids around there, but still. I don't have any recollection of having spoken to my grandfather, but grandma always wanted to talk to me whenever she and mom were on the phone. Though hard of hearing at her age, she still knew enough English to speak to me. Whenever we did talk, it was basically the same thing. Asking how school was. Telling me she wished my family could come to the Philippines so she could see me. Telling me that she prays for me and that her dream for me was to become a missionary doctor. I know she meant well, but to be honest, it got kind of tiring after awhile. My mom understood though, whenever I'd balk at having to get on the phone... she knew what grandma was like. Mom loved grandma, but I'm pretty sure I remember that she called her bossy. I'm sure it was in the well-intentioned and loving way though.

Anyways - my parents have fortunately been able to go back home three times in the past 6 years or so. I think it helped to lessen the blow that they got to spend more time together after spending so long apart previously (it was at least 20 years from when they first left). Plus when mom went back last year, grandma told her to not worry about coming back if she passed away. But still, mom is preparing to leave on Friday and will be gone a week. And I'm glad she'll get to say goodbye this time, unlike when grandpa passed.

As for me, I guess writing my thoughts out helps. Without anyone to really talk to lately (at least in a way that's been meaningful for me, like with Diana or Jo), I've just been keeping everything inside - big and small, relevant or otherwise. I may feel incoherent and uncertain, but I think the process of writing this entry has helped me say to goodbye in my own way.

Rest in peace, grandma. I know I may not fulfill your dreams for me, but I hope someday I make you proud.