Earnestly

It's 8:30 PM on a Saturday night, and I need to be up around 4:30 AM tomorrow so that I can get dressed, eat some peanut butter sandwiches and drive to Balboa Park so that I can be shuttled over to the AFC Half Marathon start line over at the Cabrillo Monument, where the gun will go off at 7 AM. For completing the 2011 Triple Crown Series of three half marathons, I'm excited... nervous, but a thirteen mile run is "old" news, and since I'm not an elite runner trying to win or set a personal record, I'm all good as long as I finish. 

But I'm looking forward to tomorrow's run just to run... in the sense of fleeing, I guess. I feel like I have this sense of restlessness growing within, that's just getting stronger, and all I want is to escape, and I think right now going on a nice long run will give me that rush. Better that than smoking again (like the one month stint I had two years ago).

The biggest part of this stems from the fact that I can't stand living at home, with my life in boxes and feeling like everything is on hold... and while thankful that I am able to live here rent-free, I desperately want/need my space (so at this point, I'm actively looking again at either buying as soon as possible or just finding a roommate situation, but either way - I need the heck outta dodge)... maybe because I'm trying to figure out the next steps regarding school and am uncertain what the right path for me is, both educationally and career-wise... and maybe because people around me are getting married and having kids, and while that may be great for them, please stop pushing me (subtly or otherwise) to be in that same place you are, or telling me to "get out there" or calling to offer me your advice when I didn't ask for it. Isn't everyone's timing different? The only one whose plan I should be seeking for my life is God's, right? 

[breathe]

Maybe that's why I've been gravitating to this song so much. I know that for me it's not like an on/off switch when it comes to just turning it all over to Him and finding contentment... that's always been a struggle. But in my current restlessness and dissatisfaction, the song reminds me again that those negative feelings won't just disappear because I get a new apartment/condo/whatever, or because I manage to keep myself busy with school, or by finding myself in a relationship. The only real thing that can fill me up is Him... I've just gotta keep myself reminded of that and roll with the bumps and inconveniences along the way.

Earnestly I seek You, my soul thirsts for You
In a dry and weary land, I long for You
'Cause Your love is better than life
You are the only One who can satisfy me, this longing heart

My thirst is met by streams of love that run deep into my soul

I'm a well

Come fill me up
Patiently I wait, oh my soul waits for You
Like a lover looking at her door, I long for You
'Cause Your love is better than life


ETA - Yep, Blog #9... an emo-y blog was bound to show up sooner or later, haha...